there are memories that linger, and in the moments of eyes shut tight... your heart aches and clenches as it is reeling through your mind again. then there are others that you treasure, when they play across the vast space of your waking tremor you feel a certain wholeness, part of you pieced back together... a long awaited reunion. those are the ones you long for, when you are all but told to move on from the past...
the sponge bob pillow in the corner, a lingering scent of popcorn and your deeply dark hair and sparkly sea-green eyes. we sit and talk on the mattresses on the floor that are yours and your mom's beds. we talk and you never stop looking into my eyes. i love this. i like you. but i never can. i am already such a freak, and everyone makes fun of you. they leave me alone now, why would i jeopardize that by being with you? i am young, silly, foolish. you're so cute but still greasy. you ask me to go see a movie and i panic and change the subject. the memory flashes forward and you're lying down on your bed. oh so naturally i edge across the mattress and lay beside you. your kind eyes glance down at me... and pull me in. slowly... slowly... and so unsure i rest myself in your outstretched arm and rest my head on your chest. this feels so right, and i feel like i've fast forwarded into the future... i feel ten years older. we stay like this... till the memory pulls and tugs and we're up on our feet looking at each other. you ask me, 'can i kiss you?' and it's the most romantic thing i've ever heard. i nod my head... but fear seizes me. i remember the faces... the cruel faces and what they would think. in shame i bury my head, and tell you sorry, but no. a little while later and you're gone, forever. after a few more horrid mistakes that i made.
eyes flicker, the moan and groan of the bus and your soft wavy hair. back at school i was nothing but a game, someone to spend time on hurting, ignoring, teasing. but now i am something i don't understand. how did this even happen? street lights blurr in my vision and your voice, only but a whisper in the quiet of the hoard tells me things i never thought i'd hear. you're opening up, telling me about your weekends and the secret life you leave behind when you go to school. why? aren't i just a freak to you? the freaky little weird girl? we're both so tired. we had a long day at the ski hill. especially me, alone and abandoned by my fearless friends... while i stayed petrified at the top of the smallest hill. i forget who you are, who i am... and rest my weary head on your shoulder. as soon as i have done it i realize all this glamour will be lost and you'll shove me off. but rather... you rest yours atop of my own. why? how? i learn not to question and let be. the inkiness of night is only lit up by passing cars and those same street lamps. the bus rolls to a stop. we have arrived and this night will never happen again. did we fall asleep?
freckles, long eyelashes and brightly lit eyes. you stare intently back at me. my throat tightens as the weird girl beckons me to do what i had promised at the hand of my loss. all you do is stare... i wish so greatly to know what it is that you are thinking... is it my imagination or... are you glad of this? are your palms as sweaty as mine? your lips.... i can't look at them. i won't. i stagger... sway... losing myself to the beating drum that is my heart. she shouts, 'hurry up and do it! we haven't got all day!' my head drops to the ground, i lean against the rotted blue fence, 'i can't. i can't. please, can i go now?' 'no. then do it twice on the cheek instead.' my eyes lift up towards your beautiful freckled face with the dark lashes and glittery eyes... i kiss once... and feel the soft hairs on your face, peach fuzz... and i linger on that feeling. only long enough to realize what it is that i have done and to remember who you are... and then i am falling. hard, on my back. the sun piercing through red lids. 'again!' she shouts. up i get and still... you stare. no emotion. now i hate myself for doing this. as i kiss your wonderfully soft cheek again.
your face is a shadow now. all that i can piece together is one whole story, that is most likely many that are sewn together. the time is unknown. on our stomachs, too afraid to sleep, afraid of the magic and splendor we'll miss when we close our tiny eyes. the nightlight in the hall brings a dull light on the wall our heads face. we make shadow puppets, though rabbits are all we know. i am super bunny, you are girl bunny. we are oh so creative. there is a monster out to get you, and i, super bunny save you time and time again. grandma hears us, stomps in and destroys the charade that we almost forgot wasn't real. to deter us the hall-light vanishes... and we are left in the darkness. so, so scared... we huddle close and cry. what for? i'll never remember.
eyes, eyes, always the eyes. that's what i remember most from each memory i own that is dear. even if i can't recall what they said, even if i can't think clearly about what actually happened enough to even bother sharing... i remember the way their eyes looked in those moments. when the one boy paid a compliment... though what it was escapes me... when the other boy helped me, although that's all i can say about that. i remember their eyes... and the feelings they gave me. and sometimes that's enough. though i want so desperately to share my happiness in those moments.